Unfortunately, Noel Coward isn't the norm in Britain; compared to many Brits, Noel Gallagher is quite impressive (Photo courtesy of Wikipedia)

A couple of days ago, a friend of a friend on Facebook asked me about the reaction in the UK to the protests against US president Barack Obama. I had to tell him we found it quite perplexing; we’ve never had a prime minister subjected to such a degree of vitriol. It would be easy to use the current outbursts as evidence of the stupidity of Americans, especially here, where we do like to think of ourselves as above that kind of thing. However, that would be unfair because not all Americans behave in that manner – I’d guess we’re talking about a minority who do – and we aren’t exactly devoid of the stupendously stupid ourselves.

It would nice to be able to say all British people are charming, witty and sophisticated, that a conversation between two Brits is akin to watching Noel Coward and Oscar Wilde at their most eloquent. But I can’t. We try to keep them hidden, but we do have a dimwitted contingent who continually let the side down. If you live in Britain you’ll be familiar with them, if not, here’s an introduction to Britain’s Most Stupid …

The Thoughtless Voters: These are people who routinely vote for the same party, election after election, never giving any thought to what they are actually voting for. They don’t study the policies, or take any notice of televised debates. Why would they? They are Labour/Tory/Monster Raving Loony party through and through, just like their dear old dad. It wouldn’t matter if their party of choice was now advocating a 99% tax rate and the public flogging of anyone called George, they’d still vote for them – even the ones called George.

Individually, the Thoughtless Voter is harmless; problems arise when they congregate in numbers in one area and persistently vote in the same old political retainer, who then disappears back to Westminster with no intention of improving the lot of his/her constituents, because there is no need. The Thoughtless Voters will return them anyway.

Mr and Mrs Why-Oh-Why-Oh-Why: You remember when you were at school, there was one child who seemed to be middle-aged by the time they were 9? They grew up to be either Mr or Mrs WOWOW. If you’re wondering what they do now, I’ll tell you. They spend their time watching programmes/films they highly disapprove of and reading the Daily Mail. When they find material they particularly disapprove of, they write angry missives to the Daily Mail to express their disgust.

Mr and Mrs WOWOW hanker for a Britain that never really existed outside Enid Blyton books, but you must never tell them that! If you try to explain the grim reality of life in the ‘good old days’, they’ll stick their fingers in their ears and label you an apologist for a socialist conspiracy to exterminate decent middle class people like them. This is ironic, because Mr and Mrs WOWOW don’t actually know what it means to be middle class; they think it’s about income, which is why, to their consternation, they find themselves constantly rejected by genuine middle class people.

Mr and Mrs What-The-Feck: Mr and Mrs WTF are the downmarket cousins of Mr and Mrs WOWOW. They actually quite enjoy the programmes/films WOWOWs find offensive, but only if they feature people who are just like them. In other words, only if they feature white people. Mr and Mrs WTF also bewail the loss of a non-existent Britain, although in their version of the myth wife/child beating was acceptable, Love Thy Neighbour was considered funny, and no one had a problem with a man shoving his hand up a woman’s skirt. Once again, you must never try to disabuse them of these notions, they will resist, often violently. However, more reasonable ones will insist black people thought Love Thy Neighbour was hilarious and any woman who didn’t like having her bum felt was obviously a lesbian.

Mr and Mrs WTF are also guilty of irony; although they deplore anything ‘foreign’, they regularly holiday in Spain, and think a Friday night isn’t complete without a curry. They will of course, hurl racist abuse at the staff in the curry house, because it would never occur to them that being rude to people who handle your food is a seriously bad idea. They’d also be quite puzzled if you pointed out the aforementioned irony; they’d think it meant they were made of iron.

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