Meet Dave aka Blair-lite; just like Tony, but with less substance

The Tory conference kicks off today, and David Cameron (aka Tony Blair-lite) has already hit the headlines and proved that contrary to the touchy-feely image he tries to portray, his party are still the same vicious, selfish bunch we de-elected back in the 90s. Of course, a decade ago, the Tories contented themselves with tormenting single parents, who did at least have the faculties to stand up for themselves. They’ve obviously decided they won’t make a similar mistake this time round and will instead blame the country’s woes on a group who can’t fight back: the disabled.

You see, you may think those people who use wheelchairs, or those who wander the streets with guide dogs, have genuine conditions that mean their lives are filled with extra challenges and difficulties. I know I did. But, it seems we are wrong. Apparently, most of these people are ‘putting it on’. I know! I was surprised too! I guessed there may be a few who managed to convincingly fake some kind of ailment, but millions!? My mind is boggled. Anyhoo, Dave has cottoned on to their scam and plans to put an end to it by taking away their disability benefit and sending them all out to work.

The problem is: where are the jobs for these people, what can they possibly do? I have a couple of suggestions.

1) Thesping: We seem to have a pool of really serious, but undiscovered acting talent in this country. Fakers should be encouraged to apply to RADA the moment their benefits are withdrawn. Within no time, we’ll have a whole new generation of Burtons/O’ Tooles/Oliviers, and the British film industry will be saved. Good old Dave, saving both our money and our culture in one move. What a guy!

2) Banking/Finance: I’ve been hearing stories about the luxurious lifestyles the ‘disabled’ lead, and I’m impressed by their money management skills. Somehow, they all own luxury cars (often more than one), numerous expensive gadgets and devices, and go on umpteen exotic holidays a year. And all on less than £100 a week! Logically, we should offer them jobs in the City – replacing the existing lot whose greed and incompetence led to the current recession – with their financial alchemy they could save the economy, have us back in profit, and probably with enough left over to treat everyone in the country to a nice cake on a Friday afternoon. How great would that be?

Looking at the idea in those terms it’s such a winner I can’t imagine why no one thought of doing it before. Oh hang on, I remember why: because it’s bloody evil! And even more evil, are the self-centred Thatcherites* who wholeheartedly support it. They constantly whine on about how this country is “broken” without ever understanding or caring that, if it is broken, their political dogma is responsible. When their pin-up girl decided we were no longer a nation made up of communities but one consisting of millions of individuals, and set about selling, dismantling and destroying huge swathes of the country – in the process throwing hundreds of thousands of people out of work – she broke Britain. In her attempts to decimate the unions and the core support of the (real) Labour party, which resulted in less job security for all, and the elimination of many traditional, manual jobs, she broke Britain. When she decided importing coal mined by ten year olds in Columbia, or cars and electrical goods manufactured in sweatshops was preferable to paying people in Birmingham, Sheffield or Manchester a fair day’s pay, she broke Britain. When she promoted selfishness and greed as virtues, she broke Britain.

Taking care of the less fortunate is not a sign of a broken country, quite the opposite. However, being a self-centred whinge-bag who continually asks ‘but what about me, me, me?’, and who is only too happy to make life miserable for vulnerable people? That signifies a very broken person. And the Tories? Obviously still the nasty party.

Still wish I could slap Dave with that haddock …

* These are the same morons who also support the plans of Blair-lite to abolish the Human Rights Act. You know the one I mean, that thing they insist was imposed on us by European commies but which actually came from Winston Churchill? The act that protects us from silly little things like … ummm … being tortured? I’m guessing Thatcherites like the idea of torture, maybe they believe the regular application of thumbscrews is character building.

Updated to add the photo, don’t blame me for it, I was encouraged by other members of the Blogs clan – yes, the other kids made me do it

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