Thought it was time I popped in for one of my irregular visits to this blog before I start to receive emails asking if I’ve been abducted by aliens. I was going to bring you a well thought out piece about the Guardian gagging furore, but I’ve got a headache, so instead here’s some random stuff I’ve done and thought …

- Been blogging here and here. If you visit say nice things, it might persuade them I’m worth keeping.

- I was a little miffed to notice someone unfollow me on Twitter after I tweeted that I liked a particular Pearl Jam song. Why would someone do that? However, then I reconsidered: that’s not really a bad thing is it? Anyone who hates Pearl Jam that much was never going to be on the same wavelength as me; not even Radio-1-to-my-Radio-4 close, so it’s a good job they’ve gone. And really, I should be appealing for haters of Led Zep, Red Hot Chili Peppers and Manic Street Preachers to hit the unfollow button too. Also, people who don’t like Martin Scorsese, or Humphrey Bogart, or Escher, or Manet*, or cats. Those who don’t get Monty Python should probably go, along with those who do get Chubby Brown. Anyone who’d say yes to the question ‘does my bum look big in this?’ … oh, anyone who gets to snog Sean Bean, and people who don’t RT my tweets. (Do you think the last two are a bit picky?)

- I’ve decided never to visit Melbourne. I’m sure it’s lovely, but I’m not going now a study from the University of Melbourne has revealed it’s a breeding ground for spooky, super-intelligent babies. OK, it doesn’t actually say that in the article, but what other conclusion can you draw when you read “children under the age of two should be banned from watching TV or using other electronic media, including computers and DVDs”? What kind of toddler does that? How many babies do you know who are au fait with the workings of an iPhone?

I know about under twos, I’ve had some experience in that area. Up to the age of one, they struggle to control their own limbs let alone concentrate. And why watch tv when the real world is so incredibly fascinating! They veer between amazement and amusement at every mundane detail; the under-ones are the only people who can be genuinely entertained watching someone load a washing machine.  Who needs Dancing Celebrities in the Jungle, when you’ve got a pile of dirty socks?! (Hmm, yes, the babies might have a point.)

After the age of one, they turn into mini-mountaineers and proceed to scale every item of furniture in the house. When they aren’t doing that, they like to stick things up their nose, or paint other children interesting colours (which is why water-soluble art materials are a very good idea**). Their only interest in television comes in the form of a penchant for doing the legendary bum-waggling-boogie toddlers so excel at every time they hear an advert with a particularly annoying jingle.

Watch television? They don’t have time, they’ve yet to conquer the north face of the dining table – once they do, they will gleefully paint each other purple, stick peas up their noses and celebrate with a victory boogie to the We Buy Any Car jingle. Swap the beer for Ribena, and children between the ages of one and two really are very much like students during freshers’*** week. Toddlers don’t have time for tv either; it’s more fun to drink three cups of apple juice and dance on the table.

Of course, the above are human children. The tv-watching-internet-surfing-dvd-playing ones at Melbourne University – I’m not so sure.

* The reason I have a large collection of Monet items; when I mention Manet, people think that’s who I mean and buy me books, stationery, prints (obviously) and even wallpaper. And I have to smile and thank them politely, even though I’m thinking MANET, NOT MONET! THEY’RE VERY, VERY DIFFERENT!

** Yes, it seems obvious until the time you’re in a hurry and  forget to check, then spend three days explaining why your child has an orange moustache.

*** I Googled that term last week and was amazed to see how often it was incorrectly punctuated – these are university websites! (When I was at uni, we were beaten for incorrect usage of the possessive apostrophe. Oh no, that wasn’t me and it wasn’t punctuation: it was Oliver Twist and asking for more food. ) It’s freshers’, not fresher’s, there are many freshers, not one with their own week.

See, I you told it was random stuff Thinking: there should have been elephants though …

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