It’s time for another instalment of Whatever Will they Type Next, a series of posts highlighting some of the more unusual and puzzling search terms people have used to find this blog. Fortunately, the last few months have seen a deficit in the kind of terms that make me want to scrub the blog down with bleach; no one has been looking for ‘hot naked chicks’ and that strange man from Germantown hasn’t been back – I suspect his neighbours are on to him. However, these people did drop by …

“slap politicians” – See, I’m not the only one who likes that idea, although, I think I am the only one who wants to slap them with a haddock.

“men in skirt” – Men, plural? Why do they have to share? Are these very small men, or is it a very large skirt? What happens if they can’t agree which skirt to wear? Actually forget that last point, these are men, they’ll go for whichever one is cleanest, style won’t come into the decision. They’ll probably also commit crimes of fashion such as teaming a cord Boden number with a Vivienne Westwood corset, paisley socks and open-toe sandals. And everything will be grey, or beige.

“200517 animal facts” - Surely you jest! There is a post with (I think) ten animal facts somewhere on this blog, but 200517?! Urrm, no. Sorry, you’ve come to the wrong place, I think you are confusing me with David Attenborough. To help you avoid making this mistake in the future, he’s the animal fact guy, I’m the blogger with the large shoe collection – that’s a large collection of shoes BTW, not a collection of large shoes. You visit David if you want to know about all things flora and fauna, you visit me if you want to read bad poetry and prose suggesting Jane Austin is really quite racy.

“colleagues talking about me via email at work” - One of two things is happening here. Either, you are a complete pain the neck to work with; possibly, the kind of person who uses all the milk then puts the bottle back in the fridge, or even one of those people who eagerly raises a hand when the boss brings up the subject of unpaid overtime. Or, you work with really sad people who don’t get out much and therefore feel the need to bring some excitement into their drab lives by discussing yours.

If you think it’s the latter, just get a new job. If it’s the former, you have no one but yourself to blame, especially if you’re making your colleagues look bad by being a suck-up. No one likes a suck-up! And everyone knows if you have a boss, he or she is The Man (The Man is not gender specific) and you should be sticking it to him. Not sure what you stick to him, maybe post-it notes, but there is no way you should ever volunteer for anything he suggests. So stop doing it, buy your colleagues a cake, and all will be well.

“cute little me” – Pardon? You think I blog about your cuteness? Sorry, there’s only room for one cute little person here, and that’s me! Get your own blog if you want the world to know about cute little you. Bah, freeloaders.

“anglo-saxon school trips” - Did they have such a thing? I suppose if they had schools there must have been trips. I wonder where they went. I have a feeling the local dung heap may have featured heavily. Or, possibly, if the trip came after one of the regular Viking incursions, kids were taken along to watch public executions and then had to write 1500 words in answer to the question, ‘Invaders – is it ever wrong to burn them?’. Ah, the good old days.

And the prize for the longest search term ever goes to:

“and if i was in a crowd, you probably wouldnt notice me. i dont really stand out and im not anything special. so i’ll advise you not to waste your time on me but that doesnt mean i dont want you to try.♥”

Yes, someone came here looking for that, why?

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