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From the Hounds of Hell to topiary

Tuesday, 15 September 2009, 22:57 | Category : Humour, personal stuff
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Dogs And Owners Gather For Annual Crufts Dog Show
One of my neighbours has bought a dog. I’m sure they love it, and I’m sure it’s delightful if you get to know it, but, it is still, quite possibly, the single Most Annoying Dog on the Planet.

I was going to say it yaps, but that doesn’t adequately convey the unique hideousness of the noise it makes. How to describe it? Imagine Jane Horrocks catches a terrible head cold and in a dash for the bathroom to find much needed Lemsip, stubs her toes on a door frame. Think of the screech she’d emit. That’s what this dog sounds like. For hours, and hours, and hours. Oddly, my neighbour/it’s owner thinks it’s “cute”. Hmm.

Anyhoo, after nine days of living two doors away from the Most Annoying Dog on the Planet I started thinking*. You know how the Hounds of Hell are always depicted as huge, black and menacing. That image is wrong. Big dogs are nearly always softies who want to love you and hug you and be your bestest friend forever, and most importantly, they aren’t particularly noisy. They bark when someone comes to the door, or if anything out of the ordinary happens, but most of the time they’re the silent types. However, small dogs nearly always try to compensate for their lack of stature by behaving like homicidal maniacs, and making as much noise as caninely possible. Which do you think Satan would own?

To me the choice is obvious: Satan would own Yorkshire terriers. A whole kennel of them. All of which make weird, shrill Jane Horrocks noises, from the crack of dawn till the dark of night. And Satan chuckles, and remarks on how cute they are. In fact, that is why Hell is hell. It used to be quite nice back when he kept labradors.

In other news: Last night I dreamt I was doing topiary (is that correct, does one do topiary?). It was someone else’s – I could tell, there was an immaculate bowling-green-style lawn, I wouldn’t have one of those. What surprised me was that I was quite good at the topiary. I wonder if this is a sign. Should I take it up? I hope not, it looks really dull.

* Ha ha, yes that was the clanking noise you heard.


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  • I strongly suspect that someone from Yorkshire bred Yorkshire Terriers (or Terroriers), so you only have your ancestors to blame. And as far as topiary, perhaps you need some lessons from Edward Scissorshands (or Johnny Depp).

    I sound like an old grumpy grouch, don't I. No grump intended, but I am grouchy because I didn't get my full nap this afternoon.
  • lol @ terroriers. You can't blame my ancestors for them! My family originated in Lincolnshire and Nottinghamshire, and they don't seem to have been big on inventing dogs. They did enjoy bashing each other over the head with maces and believing in unpopular religions though, but everyone has to have a hobby.

    Hope you get a full nap today!
  • I apologize to your ancestors. Weapons of mass head destruction (WMHD) apparently were preferable to yappy little dogs. One thing in favor of a small dog: it takes up less room on the bed than some hugh snoring beast (usually referred to as "The Hubby" or "His Lordship").
  • Funny you should mention taking up space on the bed - I spent most of last night trying to persuade the cat not to sleep on my head. No idea why he's suddenly decided that's a good idea, but whatever it is, I refuse to wear a cat as a bedcap.
  • Stupid timeouts [grumble, grumble, snort]
  • Agreed!
  • I just can't pass on that last comment, I just can't. If you're using a new shampoo then perhaps the odor of your hair reminds your cat of his real mom.

    (All in fun, Kate, no intention of insulting you,)
  • ha ha, I might have known you'd be the wise-cracker :-p
  • Your writing never fails to entertain me Kate so thank you. And you're so right about the size of dog in relation to the volume and pitch of its voice in the noise it makes! IMHO little dogs yap whereas big dogs - bark!
  • Thank you Tricia! There is a definite difference between a bark and a yap. My dogs bark, it's thunderous, but they shut up once they've made their point - that someone has come to the door or whatever. Little dogs seem to feel the need to keep telling you, again and again lol
  • I'm always fascinated by how you're able to come up with these spirited topics and/ or have the spirited topic brought to you...as in this case.

    The current thorn-in-your-side Yorkshire terrier (aka "Hound of Hell") is obviously adorable on the surface of reality but allegedly demonic beneath its surface; a creature similar to Damien in THE OMEN. Of course, I know that you’re just hankering for the day when said Hound finds itself on a collision course with a pulsating steamroller or similar collision course involving utter doom.

    I, too, suffered through the infernal cacophony of a toy dog’s defiant articulations: its challenge to both Heaven and Hell…and us, mere mortals, innocent bystanders to this presumptuous canine’s monologue. Happily (pardon my insensitivity), said pooch has long since departed for that Great Kennel in the Sky where, I’m sure, he continues to articulate with a vengeance. Nevertheless, he was a cute little thing that just happened to be possessed by unearthly ambitions…like most kids today.
  • lol @ a collision course with a pulsating steamroller or similar collision course involving utter doom - oh I how I wish

    I'm not entirely sure how I come up with them, they just pop into my head asking to written.

    If all dogs really do go to heaven, it must be an incredibly noisy place - and I bet the cats aren't impressed; presumably they get to go too, and are unlikely to be happy about spending eternity with their arch-enemies.
  • BTW: The other night you may have dreamed of doing topiary (fancy wordsmith, you), but I merely dreamed that I was mowing a lawn. Much to my delight, I woke up to the realization that my abode is lawn-less; hence, my labors weren't required for at least one extremely agonizing chore.
  • You lucky thing! I do have a lawn - it has to be the single most useless piece of ground imaginable. It's in the front garden, it's not as if we're even going to sit on it.
  • vene2ia
    Another great post, Kate! I totally agree with you & Tricia that dog size is inversely proportional to volume and pitch of noise the dog makes. As for topiary, I was getting rather concern that you were performing topiary (Is topiary *performed*?) on the dog.If so, I think you'll need a poodle. And if you ever meet Johnny Depp, let me know.
  • Thank you :-) Don't worry, if I meet JD you'll be the first to know ... I'll send him over to see you lol

    I'm sure if it is performed ... until I wrote this post, I hadn't considered the correct terminology for, umm, toping? Can it be a verb? I must find out, I'm quite curious now.
  • That should be not sure
  • Hi Kate & Folks :- )

    My first time...I have to agree with Trish & vene2ia Kate...such infectious inflections...I was right...it's just you...or more accurately You Just :- )

    I'm not inclined to take dreams too literally...though I'd be interested to see whether or not you start moving your furniture around in the coming weeks (Topiary - shaping your environs? :-P)...or suddenly get the urge to redecorate...perhaps painting a nearby road with something in a shade of dog? ;-)

    You don't know any large angry cats with a penchant for lock-picking do you?

    I hate to throw a big fat damper on such an agreeable group, but over here on the other side of the Planet, things can get a bit topsy-turvey. Especially where I live.

    I'm happy to say that I live high up in the Mountains about an hour away from Canberra. This wonderful little ex-mining village, now boasting a whopping 574 people is called Captains Flat. It's named after the lead Bull from one of the original bullock-teams. His name was Captain and he was something of a Houdini...no matter what the human inventions, they could not assuage his intentions to escape to greener pastures. They invariably found him down on a little patch next to the river, locally referred to as 'The Flat'...hence the name.

    When I describe my lovely mountain home to them-thar smog-suckin' city slickers, I describe it as follows:

    Good ol' Captains Flat, where everyone can hear you scream but only the dogs care...:- P

    And the little ones merely set the tempo as the 987 or so large ones trump all comers. I remember the day I first came out here. I got out of the car and it sounded like a K9 Kathedral. They have their little conference call about 4 times per day. But there are a couple of unfortunately sad and lonely dogs that simply bark because they don't know what else to do...and they are little...

    Come to think of it, it may be a better option to introduce it's humans to the pulsating steamroller...and if that doesn't work, then it's off to Nottinghamshire for a good dose of WMHDs I reckon.

    Nice post Kate...Thanks :- )

    Cheers

    Stephen G
    from Osstraalya ;- P
  • Hi Stephen, nice to see you here :-) Thank you for your kind comments!

    I hadn't thought about my dream in those terms - hmm. I'll let you know if I whip out the paint brushes!

    My noisy little friend is still in good voice, I'm kind of getting used to him now. When he falls silent it seems odd lol However, I agree the owners of both him and the noisy dogs you know should be introduced to WMHDs.

    BTW I love the story of how your town got it's name!
  • Hi Kate :- )

    Ooh! Threaded Comments! It's my first time with them too (on a Blog anyway :- )...I feel like I should be a bit more dressed-up...hang-on. There, I put my hat on :- )...at least adds a little authenticity :- )

    Well, thanks Kate...what a lovely welcome...and of course you are most welcome too...:-)

    I love Dogs...I get on far better with animals than with 'yooomuns' ;-P

    If I may be so bold as to offer a couple of suggestions that work for me:

    Dogs are telepathic. Rather than going off at him in your head, get to know him, and when you feel you have some rapport, give him a job. 'Secure the Perimeter' is a good one, or 'Kill the Pillows' (only use that if you don't particularly like your neighbours :-P).

    And each time you walk past their apartment just say g'day and tell him "Good Job...enough now, take a break" (You might want to save the "take a break" bit for when you are returning home from being out ;- P). I would suggest thinking this more often than actually saying it...though it is important to back-up your telepathy with words and actions when possible :- )...I hope you are in tears laughing by now :- )...I know it's a bit of a cack, but try it :- P

    Like us Dogs need a job. No, not a 'get a haircut 'n a job' job!... a real job, a purpose. In my view dogs are the literal embodiment of Kahlil GIbran's fine definition for 'Work' - i.e. "Work is love made visible". Like us they get depressed and do 'roolly' weird things to compensate...like barking incessantly.

    Most importantly when dealing with dogs, and this pretty much goes for any animal and hopefully one fine day with people as well, YOU HAVE TO MEAN IT! :- ) As you probably already know, there is no lying to animals...they see straight though it...or they just don't see it all. So make sure you mean it :- )

    Ok! Well that's ask 'Aunty Wanka' for another week. Please tune in again next week when we learn how to train your very own Mosquito Armada...;- P

    Cheers

    Stephen G
  • Oops! Typo...Last line of 2nd last para:

    "...and they are little..." - should read - '...and they are NOT little...' :-p

    Cheers

    Stephen G again
    still from good ol' 'Osstraalya' ;- )
  • Don't worry about it, I'm notorious for missing out words lol
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