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An Ode to Peter Mandelson

Wednesday, 2 September 2009, 19:20 | Category : Politicians, Politics, poetry
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First Cabinet Meeting Is Held Since The Recent Elections And Reshuffle

I’m a little confused about Peter Mandelson. Well, not him as a person – although I do find him creepy  – no, I’m wondering why he’s allowed to tell us all what to do when, the last time I checked, he hadn’t actually been elected. Am I correct in thinking, he was given a title to go with his existing one (Prince of Darkness) and then shoe-horned into a cabinet job? Is that allowed? Aren’t government ministers supposed to be people we’ve actually voted for? Or is that just silly nonsense peddled by the sort of elderly people who like to talk about the good old days when you could buy an Austin Allegro, a 3-piece suite, a holiday in Benidorm and still have change from a fiver?

Anyhoo, as Mandy is allowed to boss me around, I decided I’d retaliate by insulting him in really bad verse – he doesn’t even deserve my usual mediocre poetry, that’s how irked I am.

So, I present for your perusal:

You’re Mandy, Bite Me!

I remember your days in Hartlepool,
You had a moustache and looked like a fool.
But seemed mostly harmless,
Although pretty charmless.

As the years passed it became apparent,
You had a career, but no real talent.
Though foppish and vapid,
Your rise has been rapid.

Now Mr Brown has fallen for your smarm,
Probably mistaking it for upmarket charm.
But, the voters aren’t sure
That your motives are pure.

So Prince of Darkness, I feel I should say,
Your time in power? Soon be close of play.
And think yourself lucky,
It won’t get more mucky.

Just as we hated the divine right of Kings,
So we detest your self-serving dealings.
Of course, you will keep your head,
But lose your smugness instead.
And may wish for aegis,
Exiled in Bognor Regis.

Yes, I did kind of paraphrase the title of 10CC’s I’m Mandy, Fly Me. Sorry.

I appreciate you dropping by,
Please leave a comment, don’t be shy


  • I know it doesn't scan, who can think about metre when they're irked?!
  • Guest
    Having never heard of Mandelson (we Americans hear very little about very little), your Prodigal Friend (me) checked him out on Wikipedia. You are right to be "irked" because the Baron appears to be a serial villain. I'm reminded of the line from the movie, History of the World, Part 1: "It's Good to be the [secret] King!" He deserves your mediocre poetry, which I enjoyed immensely.
  • Having never heard of Mandelson (we Americans hear very little about very little), your Prodigal Friend (me) checked him out on Wikipedia. You are right to be "irked" because the Baron appears to be a serial villain. I'm reminded of the line from the movie, History of the World, Part 1: "It's Good to be the [secret] King!" He deserves your mediocre poetry, which I enjoyed immensely.
  • Thanks Charlie :-)

    He does appear to be a serial villain; he, of course, always manages to find extenuating circumstances to plead. Not sure anyone in any other walk of life would get away with it quite so often.
  • stjude
    Ah Mandy, Mandy, Mandy, I find him extremely creepy partly because he has a look somewhat of the childcatcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. There is a lot of hot air and puffing up with Mandy and he seems to have his hand firmly up Master Browns jacksy pulling strings. The Government is supposed to be an elected body, but once elected they bend, change and simply ignore the rules to suit their purpose. That's politics for you.
  • lol @ the childcatcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Now you mention, yes he does!

    It is an indictment of the system when someone like him can achieve such high office. He doesn't even try to maintain a veneer of integrity.,
  • I remember when he was foisted on the electorate of Hartlepool. He was doing the rounds of sound bites and blokey photocalls (which he had the grace to be very ill-at-ease with) when he was taken to a chip shop for a fish supper.

    "Anything else sir?" asked the chippie.
    "I'll have some of that guacamole," said The Prince of Darkness.

    Pointing at a pan of mushy peas.
  • lol That's priceless! I'm going to have to steal that to tell at parties :-)
  • Trust me, it is the same in Texas as it is in Britain. Texas is a lot different from the the other 49, but that is the other 49's problem. We feel superior to the other 49 because we fought for our independence and we were a country for 10 years before we became a state of the US. Not pompous, just proud! We were recognized by Britain and France as a Republic. We just don't like the way the other states try to control us.
  • lol Texas sounds a lot like Yorkshire, but I'm guessing it has better weather. People do feel the county is very different to the rest of the country, and although some of that is down to the teensiest superiority complex - us non-Yorkshire folk like to tease them about that - they are correct. Historically and geographically it is distinct from other regions. It's the largest county by far - takes up something like a 3rd of England - and over the centuries firmly resisted being ruled from London. It's no coincidence this county was one half of the War of the Roses, or that when they finally did cede to the southerners it was only after being violently repressed. They've never forgotten that, and I don't think they've really forgiven it either.
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