John Bates
Charlie Callahan
injaynesworld
debbie_suburbsanity
GregEarlier, I was rather alarmed to hear what sounded like someone walking around upstairs, mostly because I was alone in the house, and I’m a bit of wuss. Upon hearing this, the logical course of action would have been to send the dogs up there to earn their keep, they’re fairly big with large pointy teeth and so on. But I didn’t do that. Instead, I grabbed the nearest object to protect myself, and headed up to defend the precious things of the house* alone. (Yes, I know, you don’t have to tell me, not my smartest move. )
Anyhoo, I crept cautiously up the stairs, brandishing my weapon, only to discover it was one of the aforementioned dogs. He’d gone out into the garden, come back in through another door, and gone upstairs where he was, like Goldilocks, trying out beds.
As I shooed him back downstairs, I noticed what I’d taken to defend myself from, what I suspected may be, a 7 foot tall, psychopathic burglar (probably armed to the teeth and likely to sell me to white slave traders). Have a guess what it was. Was it:
a) The kettle full of boiling water – brutal but efficient?
b) The large wooden serving spoon a cousin sent us from New Zealand – about 3 feet long and solid wood, could give someone a nasty thwack?
c) The canister of oven cleaner, probably even more brutal than the water?
d) The 18″ boning knife, still uber sharp because it’s never been used.
No. It was none of these. It was a small can of carpet shampoo. You know the foam you spray on, then vacuum up? That stuff. The can wasn’t even big enough to hit someone with effectively. Not exactly terrifying.
So, the moral of this story is: if you break into my house, I’ll make you smell nice. I bet the burglars are quaking in their boots …
* Yes, that is a League of Gentlemen reference.
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